Broken

I like to think that I’m a lot of things. A good man, a hard worker, a loving person. I leave the determination of what I really am to others to decide. When I look at myself, I see myself broken.
I was in an automobile accident almost two years ago. Like a movie in my head, I can relive that moment over and over again. I can slow down or speed up what happened. I can look at the event from any angle that I want.
My life this past year I can also see from various angles. The car I was driving was totaled; broken beyond repair. I’ve also been broken. Broken by life, circumstances, my own actions, etc. I’ve been gathering up the pieces slowly and taking them with me. Unlike the car, I can’t say my life is a total loss and start all over again.
My relationships to people have changed over the past year. That’s been the hardest for me. I’ve always been proud that I maintain good relationships with people even as those relationships change with distance or frequency meeting. Now I’ve gone from being close with friends and acquaintances to no longer being friends and having those same acquaintances ignore me in public.
I’ve discussed this with people who tell me just to forget it. I wish I were that person who could just forget it, but I’m broken.
I’m broken and hurt. I’ve tried so long to hold things together and not let the world I know spin apart that I don’t know what it’s like not to struggle, to wonder how I’m going to pay that next bill, put gas in my tank or food on my table.
I’m broken inside. I spend nights lonely and talking to myself. I second guess myself. I miss my former life, my friends, a steady paycheck, therapy for my mind and soul. I keep coming back to a question.
How do I come back from broken?

One thought on “Broken

  1. When a bone is broken it will heal itself over time. Sometimes the break is so bad that it must be set by a professional so it can heal the properly. Even after it heals when the barometric pressure changes, you still feel pain where the break happened. In order to heal, like a broken bone, you must set it and allow it to heal. Sometimes things will remind you that it was broken. Just like a broken bone, give it time. You were built to last. 🙂

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